Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I love you but I'm leaving (5.31.15 & 6.15.15)

Humid procrastination begets lack of sleep without productivity begets heavy shoulders, a neck that cannot support weight. A large pit has formed however that threatens to be crippling; centered in my racing gut I feel dichotomous pangs. Each spike of excitement is matched with a fear of the unknown, emotions high despite rational knowledge that the right decisions are being made. Tears occur. He's asleep.

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leading up to that goodbye moment many things felt confusing or debatable but nothing actually felt wrong, save the night before when we wept. there were moments of sadness, difficulty, sure; still a desire to follow up on a "plan" that originally seemed like an offhand idea, something that i felt others may have doubted, steeled me towards resolve. that in addition to the fact that in the past, relatively miniscule things blocked me from experience; relationships that in hindsight were unremarkable felt like a reason to stay, to continue being comfortable. once i had achieved my goal of reaching this destination i felt proud of following through, but nothing about the goodbye felt ok or right, it felt like self inflicted punishment, and i crumpled on the stoop.

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