tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1014947227371851512024-03-05T19:22:45.653-05:00dovè my mind?Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.comBlogger498125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-57578869422547583262015-12-17T06:15:00.000-05:002015-12-17T06:15:03.575-05:0012/16/15omg i'm banging on the door and he isnt answering this is the worst<br />bud tips tonight she comin<br />hahaha tolerance is a bitch<br />
and he slammed my head into a sidewalk<br />did a weird like take acid fall asleep go back out thing<br />i need to decompress<br />either way it's a great idea<br />
nah she seen you naked before<br />
boyz amirite<br />invite everyone<br />
phoenix later<br />yeah dude i just want you to make informed choices<br /><br />omg<br />
start naked<br />
<br />
<br />Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-42765068617858424972015-07-25T01:41:00.000-04:002015-07-25T01:44:15.378-04:002010/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-13910454079757649082015-07-17T04:12:00.001-04:002015-07-17T04:12:52.524-04:002009/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-68968610994623453092015-07-16T19:19:00.003-04:002015-07-16T19:19:40.036-04:002010/2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-32641598722575912932015-07-11T09:31:00.002-04:002015-07-11T09:31:28.172-04:00the opposite of tonightyou're invincible<br />the dj has bought your drinks<br />and nothing is wrong<br />Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-27436525280936330392015-06-16T07:27:00.001-04:002015-06-16T07:27:25.705-04:00mmhmm honeyminimal clothing<br />sweat creating second skin<br />
hair too oppressiveKeri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-18113559863675100262015-06-16T06:54:00.000-04:002015-07-10T06:05:42.057-04:00I love you but I'm leaving (5.31.15 & 6.15.15)Humid procrastination begets lack of sleep without productivity begets heavy shoulders, a neck that cannot support weight. A large pit has formed however that threatens to be crippling; centered in my racing gut I feel dichotomous pangs. Each spike of excitement is matched with a fear of the unknown, emotions high despite rational knowledge that the right decisions are being made. Tears occur. He's asleep.<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
leading up to that goodbye moment many things felt confusing or debatable but nothing actually felt wrong, save the night before when we wept. there were moments of sadness, difficulty, sure; still a desire to follow up on a "plan" that originally seemed like an offhand idea, something that i felt others may have doubted, steeled me towards resolve. that in addition to the fact that in the past, relatively miniscule things blocked me from experience; relationships that in hindsight were unremarkable felt like a reason to stay, to continue being comfortable. once i had achieved my goal of reaching this destination i felt proud of following through, but nothing about the goodbye felt ok or right, it felt like self inflicted punishment, and i crumpled on the stoop.Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-8210996552819919552015-06-16T06:22:00.001-04:002015-06-16T06:22:26.047-04:006 16 15 just a documentation of sweet moments from the few past days<br />
including<br />
a lot of solitude and exploration<br />
interspersed with new friends and faces that were never then friends but now are<br />homemade tofu tacos with grapefruit mezcal, chili rim<br />vegetarian community dinner and dogs smiled widely as the band played<br />nude in a pool, water so balmy<br />a familiar face or two at the least expected moment<br />big bed lounging, not alone, rain and radio to be heard<br />gingeroo in a glass, spicy, with spliff, housemate writing music for hours, a full comic book read<br />new dream wheels adding comfort and confidence<br />
maternal conversation while biking (safe?)<br />and tomorrow a whole new home base-<br />gaining confidence in my ability to adapt to change<br /><br />
<br /><br />Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-29207232319822971132014-08-21T03:19:00.001-04:002014-08-21T03:19:52.717-04:00margueaux had eaten and regurgitated<br />a sweet slug found by the fire<br />
it lived, inexplicably<br />
then i held it, its trail<br />
left behind and so difficult to wash<br />from my palmKeri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-82423225028449126222014-08-21T02:57:00.000-04:002014-08-21T02:57:14.589-04:00that long sleep caused me<br />distressing reality<br />
tough to separate.<br />
<br />Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-29411929721131166482014-08-06T14:31:00.002-04:002014-08-06T14:31:46.931-04:00the cry thing is so swift, so immediate.<br />
<br />
it seems embarassing at movies with someone i don't know<br />
<br />
but draws me closer to someone that i'm dating<br />
yeah, i am an easy cryKeri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-53355148137028647392014-08-06T14:21:00.003-04:002014-08-06T14:21:23.707-04:00currentsky grey bottle by my hand reading about familial impossibility, sadness, but there's strength in that when the difficulty is realized. told my coworker yesterday that her self awareness was impressive and she seemed surprised. post relationship many things become apparent. it's easy to lose yourself, or ignore certain things, when in the midst of caring deeply about someone else.Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-4335225038922690802013-07-17T05:32:00.000-04:002013-07-17T05:46:52.193-04:00~from like six months ago~<br />sometimes it's really easy to forget about unhappiness, when the sun is out, or there is work to be done, or just because almost everything everywhere is humorous. even crying in a mexican restaurant only lasted for about 2 minutes because the bathroom made me laugh. but then i read someone's sadness while listening to someone else's sadness and could understand why despair is called a pit and being inside it almost feels comforting because the dirt is really cold.Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-29542520549312672722013-07-17T04:39:00.001-04:002013-07-18T16:07:28.146-04:00Life Is A Bitch- Fish Tank<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/AxBeiHzEC9k" width="459"></iframe><br />
<br />
<br />
the end of a film in which a mother and daughter have such a negative interaction but the connection is just for a second ok<br />
<br />
<br />
Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-51186812109512500412013-06-06T04:29:00.003-04:002013-06-06T04:29:58.737-04:00sketchbook bits"can feel my brain flipping between modes"<br />
<br />
"was jesus was leading the way?"<br />
<br />
"i think the dream began with a degenerative disease"<br />
<br />
"reading in flight magazine and desolation angels. both make me feel restless"<br />
<br />
"could we be happy? i'd love to find that again"<br /><br />"i really want this to happen but i'm not going to push it"<br />
<br />
"could study aspects of remorse- maybe after lies, robberies, or murders"<br />
<br />
"i still can't shake the visual of crawling across that courtyard with a self induced wound"Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-17080008426458435652013-04-16T13:41:00.001-04:002013-04-16T13:41:20.451-04:00i cry so easily that sometimes when tears well i think "maybe the sadness is always there just waiting to come out" even though if someone asked, i would say "i'm happy". Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-50034042432337064002012-09-16T04:55:00.001-04:002012-09-16T04:55:54.827-04:00bits from the spring- maybe tweet ideas? -Backyard daytime and we're discussing potential. <br />
<br />
-Earlier talking about circle jerks I couldn't remember if dudes were jerking themselves off or each other. <br />
<br />
-When we were coming down the ladder earlier I thought I might fall but he held me. <br />
<br />
-The laundry room was cute then awkward.Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-73173245044949568402012-05-12T04:46:00.001-04:002012-05-12T04:46:26.572-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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from the last two months, i think, but i'm not sure why or when.</div>Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-80104129159957582932012-03-23T22:29:00.002-04:002013-07-17T05:36:49.128-04:00i was reading a book today that i really liked as soon as i flipped open to page 24 or whatever, called notes from underground by eric bogosian. he said something about enjoying smoking cigarettes alone, late at night, because he could hear the tobacco sizzle. that made me think about the first time i realized i appreciated that noise, when i was seeing a boy that didn't like me as much as i liked him, but we both liked smoking cigarettes in bed and drinking beer on the roof and that seemed to be enough for a short period of time. there were few actual connections other than that but i think i imagined that there were, some "deep" conversation; maybe just being bummed about life sometimes seemed like enough.Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-49213776749889273972012-03-04T04:41:00.001-05:002012-03-04T04:43:56.199-05:00trolling the archivesman, some of this is ridiculous:<div><br /><div>The dread in Steve's stomach, a slow ache and turmoil, increased as he sat down in the cold brightness of the waiting room. He decided to sign up for the new procedure as soon as Karen took the last of her costumes from the basement. She said she was going on tour with her performance art outfit but he knew better. She wasn't coming back.</div></div>Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-18562371138500959012012-03-04T04:00:00.002-05:002012-03-04T04:11:32.945-05:00from june 2011<span><span>I heard this rapid knocking on the door, and I thought- "My pizza usually takes 35 minutes to get here". </span></span><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div><span><span>I hadn't even gotten a call. Once I opened the door, though, there was a dour stranger standing on the sidewalk in front of my house with no food in hand. She gestured towards the end of the block, and then I remembered her sitting on the American flag bench at the corner, knitting incessantly and never making eye contact. Her dogs always looked unhappy. She seemed to resent my presence, my lack of interest in neighborhood gossip or events. Her face was bland, worn, rundown by a lifetime of relying on the discouraging familiar, and her grandchildren screamed in the street.</span></span><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span> There was a weird pause where I waited for her to talk and she waited for me to welcome her in, or make some kind of generous remark. I'm not good with chats. I just stood there. Finally, she said, "Have any of youse been next door in that lot?"</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span>Pause. I got worried, thought I'd done something wrong. "No, not since I brought my bike back inside".</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span>She rearranged her face in this extraordinary way; the wrinkles beside her eyes curved upwards and her eyebrows became sympathetic. Her mouth softened from a tight purse to something almost like a smile.</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span>"I seen this little ball of fluff nexta the house the other day. Mom musta ditched him or something. I been bringing food and water by the last few days but he disappeared. You seen a cat hanging around your yard?"</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span>I stepped down on the stoop and closed the door to hold in the air. "Yeah, there are always cats in the backyard. They've been messing with our tomatoes."</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span>She shifted, apparent concern on her face. " I dunno where that little one went. I been bringing him food all the time. Mom wasn't around, so I was worried. Wasn't sure if you seen him over around the corner. Such a tiny thing, like just born."</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span>She peered around the corner into the gravel and weed patch that was next to my house, checking to make sure the desolate area was vacant.</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span>"Anyhow, just wondering if you saw him or anything. I know you have those cats, you're out here all the time, tryna to find out if he's ok."</span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span>This neighborhood breeds people with tough skin, people thinking the newcomer is something to overcome, or reject. I wished I could help, only because it would endear me to them or paint a stripe of acceptance on my door, or something. </span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div><span><span>Instead, I made a sympathetic sound, a generic response to the thought of a cute abandoned animal, said, "I'll keep an eye out! Good luck!" and re-entered my </span>air-conditioned<span> home with my indoor animals and wireless internet and solid deadbolt to block off the people outside.</span></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span></div><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><span><br /></span><div><span><br /></span></div><div><span><br /></span><div><span><br /></span></div><div><br /></div></div></div></div>Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-79402431217470136462012-03-04T03:31:00.000-05:002012-03-04T03:43:59.647-05:00being super dramatic, from 7/2011<span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">i'm waiting for the birds to let me know that everything's ok, but it's </span>discordant<span style="font-size: 100%;"> and hot, and nothing's right. my heartbeat is arrhythmic, with no point of reference, no </span>stability<span style="font-size: 100%;">. i used to have a foundation.</span></span>Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-72748153761704188262012-02-02T04:58:00.003-05:002012-03-04T03:45:29.502-05:00things that don't feel ok:<div><br /></div><div>the base of my neck, top of my spinal cord, whatever. i wake up rested, or depleted, it doesn't matter. still a pointer finger driven into that tender spot below what i think is my occipital bone?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-25284827541333797712012-01-30T20:34:00.001-05:002012-02-02T04:30:11.328-05:00<div><p>i looked in my kitchen menu drawer and said out loud nothing is good which made me want to collapse but the floor was very cold so i just shook my head, hard, and ordered a pizza with three toppings.</p>
</div>Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-101494722737185151.post-39106678489551087462012-01-30T18:12:00.003-05:002012-01-30T18:28:39.422-05:00januarythe curtains are white but heavy enough that the sun didn't feel quite so oppressive still i like that now the lamp is brighter than whatever's outside. there are a few things i've thought of doing, physical movements, like taking off my tights to make my toes stop hurting but instead just elevated my feet. i was going to walk upstairs to get a book i like reading sometimes but there are excerpts and other essays online written by the same person so i opened a bunch of tabs and scrolled through kinda quickly only stopping to read for real when a phrase caught my eye. the internet makes me a bad reader. inundation of material. i made a few lists: "things that are weird", "things i've learned", and "places on my body that feel wrong", the first two being (surprisingly, unsurprisingly) short and the last of which turned into a meditative state in an attempt to usher out tension. unsuccessful.Keri Hopehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16936552923801968362noreply@blogger.com0