12/16/15

omg i'm banging on the door and he isnt answering this is the worst
bud tips tonight she comin
hahaha tolerance is a bitch
and he slammed my head into a sidewalk
did a weird like take acid fall asleep go back out thing
i need to decompress
either way it's a great idea
nah she seen you naked before
boyz amirite
invite everyone
phoenix later
yeah dude i just want you to make informed choices

omg
start naked

2010/2015

2009/2015

2010/2015

the opposite of tonight

you're invincible
the dj has bought your drinks
and nothing is wrong

mmhmm honey

minimal clothing
sweat creating second skin
hair too oppressive

I love you but I'm leaving (5.31.15 & 6.15.15)

Humid procrastination begets lack of sleep without productivity begets heavy shoulders, a neck that cannot support weight. A large pit has formed however that threatens to be crippling; centered in my racing gut I feel dichotomous pangs. Each spike of excitement is matched with a fear of the unknown, emotions high despite rational knowledge that the right decisions are being made. Tears occur. He's asleep.

---

leading up to that goodbye moment many things felt confusing or debatable but nothing actually felt wrong, save the night before when we wept. there were moments of sadness, difficulty, sure; still a desire to follow up on a "plan" that originally seemed like an offhand idea, something that i felt others may have doubted, steeled me towards resolve. that in addition to the fact that in the past, relatively miniscule things blocked me from experience; relationships that in hindsight were unremarkable felt like a reason to stay, to continue being comfortable. once i had achieved my goal of reaching this destination i felt proud of following through, but nothing about the goodbye felt ok or right, it felt like self inflicted punishment, and i crumpled on the stoop.

6 16 15

just a documentation of sweet moments from the few past days
including
a lot of solitude and exploration
interspersed with new friends and faces that were never then friends but now are
homemade tofu tacos with grapefruit mezcal, chili rim
vegetarian community dinner and dogs smiled widely as the band played
nude in a pool, water so balmy
a familiar face or two at the least expected moment
big bed lounging, not alone, rain and radio to be heard
gingeroo in a glass, spicy, with spliff, housemate writing music for hours, a full comic book read
new dream wheels adding comfort and confidence
maternal conversation while biking (safe?)
and tomorrow a whole new home base-
gaining confidence in my ability to adapt to change

margueaux had eaten and regurgitated
a sweet slug found by the fire
it lived, inexplicably
then i held it, its trail
left behind and so difficult to wash
from my palm

that long sleep caused me
distressing reality
tough to separate.

the cry thing is so swift, so immediate.

it seems embarassing at movies with someone i don't know

but draws me closer to someone that i'm dating
yeah, i am an easy cry

current

sky grey bottle by my hand reading about familial impossibility, sadness, but there's strength in that when the difficulty is realized. told my coworker yesterday that her self awareness was impressive and she seemed surprised. post relationship many things become apparent. it's easy to lose yourself,  or ignore certain things, when in the midst of caring deeply about someone else.

~from like six months ago~
sometimes it's really easy to forget about unhappiness, when the sun is out, or there is work to be done, or just because almost everything everywhere is humorous. even crying in a mexican restaurant only lasted for about 2 minutes because the bathroom made me laugh. but then i read someone's sadness while listening to someone else's sadness and could understand why despair is called a pit and being inside it almost feels comforting because the dirt is really cold.

Life Is A Bitch- Fish Tank

the end of a film in which a mother and daughter have such a negative interaction but the connection is just for a second ok

sketchbook bits

"can feel my brain flipping between modes"

"was jesus was leading the way?"

"i think the dream began with a degenerative disease"

"reading in flight magazine and desolation angels. both make me feel restless"

"could we be happy? i'd love to find that again"

"i really want this to happen but i'm not going to push it"

"could study aspects of remorse- maybe after lies, robberies, or murders"

"i still can't shake the visual of crawling across that courtyard with a self induced wound"

i cry so easily that sometimes when tears well i think "maybe the sadness is always there just waiting to come out" even though if someone asked, i would say "i'm happy".

bits from the spring- maybe tweet ideas?

-Backyard daytime and we're discussing potential.

-Earlier talking about circle jerks I couldn't remember if dudes were jerking themselves off or each other.

-When we were coming down the ladder earlier I thought I might fall but he held me.

-The laundry room was cute then awkward.

from the last two months, i think, but i'm not sure why or when.

i was reading a book today that i really liked as soon as i flipped open to page 24 or whatever, called notes from underground by eric bogosian. he said something about enjoying smoking cigarettes alone, late at night, because he could hear the tobacco sizzle. that made me think about the first time i realized i appreciated that noise, when i was seeing a boy that didn't like me as much as i liked him, but we both liked smoking cigarettes in bed and drinking beer on the roof and that seemed to be enough for a short period of time. there were few actual connections other than that but i think i imagined that there were, some "deep" conversation; maybe just being bummed about life sometimes seemed like enough.

trolling the archives

man, some of this is ridiculous:

The dread in Steve's stomach, a slow ache and turmoil, increased as he sat down in the cold brightness of the waiting room. He decided to sign up for the new procedure as soon as Karen took the last of her costumes from the basement. She said she was going on tour with her performance art outfit but he knew better. She wasn't coming back.

from june 2011

I heard this rapid knocking on the door, and I thought- "My pizza usually takes 35 minutes to get here".

I hadn't even gotten a call. Once I opened the door, though, there was a dour stranger standing on the sidewalk in front of my house with no food in hand. She gestured towards the end of the block, and then I remembered her sitting on the American flag bench at the corner, knitting incessantly and never making eye contact. Her dogs always looked unhappy. She seemed to resent my presence, my lack of interest in neighborhood gossip or events. Her face was bland, worn, rundown by a lifetime of relying on the discouraging familiar, and her grandchildren screamed in the street.

There was a weird pause where I waited for her to talk and she waited for me to welcome her in, or make some kind of generous remark. I'm not good with chats. I just stood there. Finally, she said, "Have any of youse been next door in that lot?"

Pause. I got worried, thought I'd done something wrong. "No, not since I brought my bike back inside".

She rearranged her face in this extraordinary way; the wrinkles beside her eyes curved upwards and her eyebrows became sympathetic. Her mouth softened from a tight purse to something almost like a smile.

"I seen this little ball of fluff nexta the house the other day. Mom musta ditched him or something. I been bringing food and water by the last few days but he disappeared. You seen a cat hanging around your yard?"

I stepped down on the stoop and closed the door to hold in the air. "Yeah, there are always cats in the backyard. They've been messing with our tomatoes."

She shifted, apparent concern on her face. " I dunno where that little one went. I been bringing him food all the time. Mom wasn't around, so I was worried. Wasn't sure if you seen him over around the corner. Such a tiny thing, like just born."

She peered around the corner into the gravel and weed patch that was next to my house, checking to make sure the desolate area was vacant.

"Anyhow, just wondering if you saw him or anything. I know you have those cats, you're out here all the time, tryna to find out if he's ok."

This neighborhood breeds people with tough skin, people thinking the newcomer is something to overcome, or reject. I wished I could help, only because it would endear me to them or paint a stripe of acceptance on my door, or something.

Instead, I made a sympathetic sound, a generic response to the thought of a cute abandoned animal, said, "I'll keep an eye out! Good luck!" and re-entered my air-conditioned home with my indoor animals and wireless internet and solid deadbolt to block off the people outside.

being super dramatic, from 7/2011

i'm waiting for the birds to let me know that everything's ok, but it's discordant and hot, and nothing's right. my heartbeat is arrhythmic, with no point of reference, no stability. i used to have a foundation.